And so it happened, yet again, that I just couldn't sleep last night. Have you ever had one of those nights where you start off trying to fall asleep by letting your imagination drift, and it drifts right into a frickin hurricane? well as it happens, that happened to me again last night.
I can't stop thinking about her. I haven't seen her in a couple of years now. This isn't something that I let my thoughts dwell on for very long most of the time, as it is always a really raw and emotional place those thoughts bring me to, but for some reason, i can't stop thinking about her lately. I miss her...like nothing else in this world. You could tear my heart out of my chest, and i would probably not miss it as much as i miss this little girl. Because of things that never should have happened, even though I honestly had nothing to do with them, I have been completely thrown out of their lives and there is this gaping hole where this little girl should be in my life/heart. I wonder what color she has dyed her hair now...never one who was shy about self expression that one...She's very bright...I wonder how she is doing in school now. How tall has she gotten? I wonder if she still likes to read? Still likes to draw? does she still love the way cotton candy flavored ice cream turns her tongue purple? Does she still sleep with that big floppy stuffed Dog named Max? Or has she moved on to other things...I wonder how her sense of style has developed...she was always so original, and had such a well defined style of her own...Is her favorite color still purple? Does she still love vegetables? Who are her friends? Is she happy? Does she think about me too? does she miss me? does she even remember that i exist?
Her smile has been burned into some of the most pleasant areas of my memories, and brightens some of the darkest parts...yet thinking about it makes my heart ache so much. I would give just about anything just to talk to her again, or see her smile, hear her laugh, watch her play. Or even just hear her voice...just to know she is happy.
Of course, once my thoughts reach this storm, they can't seem to turn back...it just keeps going. I wish i could just forget her...horrible as it sounds, it would hurt less. But I guess I am doomed to continue drifting into this storm...I don't think things will ever change when it comes to her...I will always miss her, I will always love her...and i will never see her.